The Sorting Hat's Challenge
by Kwahzutah
Summary: The four Great Houses are full of mystery and secret tradition. With the Sorting Hat's clues, Italian stud Blaise Zabini learns disturbing and hilarious secrets. Will "The Animal" use his wild side to wield them against his rivals: the Weasley Twins?
1. Hufflepuff Part 1

**So, here's a new story! I've been reading quite a bit of Harry Potter lately, fanfiction as well, and really wanted to do a comedy! This is pretty much my headcanon of Blaise Zabini as well as what I think each great house is hiding. XD Enjoy! I love writing characters as being slightly outrageous, so I'll be pushing every quality to the extreme. This might come across as being slightly OOC, but no one wants to read about normal people, anyways. XD  
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**(For the purposes of this story, Cedric Diggory is alive, and I'm completely ignoring the existence of Voldemort for the sake of humor.)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or Hogwarts houses, or Blaise Zabini. So there.**

**Warning: This is SLASHY/YAOI! Although I see Blaise as humping everything that moves, I feel the need to warn you.  
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The corridor was completely silent, Blaise Zabini reflected. Something must be up. No properly tricky Slytherin would let himself be caught unawares! A tap on the floor caught his attention, amber eyes darting to and fro restlessly. Surely it was too soon for Draco's revenge for that enchanted quill? No, never underestimate a Slytherin. That would be suicide.

The stars twinkled as he passed a window, frighteningly similar to the eyes of the Headmaster, a shudder-worthy thought. Blaise observed the school impassively. The prefects would be out, ready to catch students out of bed, but Zabini was too clever for them. He could move as silent as a panther, strike as quickly as a snake, and sleep as soundly as a pand...-but that wasn't the point. He didn't need to highlight his attributes that proved his mastery over the animal kingdom. "The Animal," as his housemates called him, was infamous in the school for the name while the other Houses had no idea of the identity. Even the Slytherin first years took a few months to notice the correlation between Blaise's momentary disappearance and... unfortunate events. And that was only because someone was always gazing at his stunning looks. Handsome as a stallion.

Now to his goal for the night, and not a sexual escapade this time: where to dig up some dirt on the other houses? Aha! He couldn't resist giving a small, wolflike howl that would send his housemates running should they hear it. The noise echoed off the vaulted ceiling. Where better to go than the Sorting Hat, the only one to know each house accurately enough to place the students every year for such a long time?

"Perfect." Blaise purred like a cat. He resisted the famous catlike stretch.

The staircase to the Headmaster's office was barred from entry so, cunning as a fox, he crouched in the shadows and began naming off sweets. "Lemon drops, licorice wands, chocolate frogs, jellybeans..."

Gods, what on earth could that stupid password be! Growing frustrated, Blaise growled the most ridiculous thing that came to mind. "Harry Potter's sweet candy ass!"

The staircase opened. He felt sick to his stomach, enormously disturbed at the password. He knocked at the Headmaster's door - no one took Dumbledore unawares, only proved now that Blaise knew that ghastly password - and entered when called for.

"Ah, Mister Zabini!" Despite the late hour, the old wizard still sat behind his desk. "And how may I be of service at this time?"

It was strange that even though he was Headmaster, Dumbledore never saw fit to enforce the rules. 'If I have teachers for that, I will merely attend to my wizardly quests.' He always sang.

"I was wondering," Blaise couldn't help inhaling to strengthen his nerves of steel. "If I could have a word with the Sorting Hat. I have met with the sudden desire to learn more about my house." Other than their wild midnight Quidditch, of course.

"An honorable task, my boy. Go right ahead." His eyes twinkled. By god, they twinkled. "I fully support your mission to discover the secrets of Hogwarts. I myself have learned from the hat a great number of the school's stranger mysteries."

"Um, thank you Professor." He grumbled like a grouse, keeping low-key as a feline on the prowl. He approached the Hat, sitting upon a stool in a crowded corner of the office from which the Headmaster was no longer visible. He knelt at its level to speak.

"Excuse me?" He asked.

"SLYTHERIN!" The Hat roared, startling a jump out of Zabini that he would venomously deny ever happened. "Oh, I am sorry. Still in the habit, if you catch my drift."

Blaise cleared his throat, an olive-skinned hand ruffling his dark curls. "Quite alright. I was hoping you could help me, actually."

"I will try." It was eerie, the moving face etched into the fabric. "But I'll warn you, my only area of expertise lies within the great houses."

"Lovely." He leered. "I meant to learn about them in the first place. After a good taste of my own house traditions, I'd like to learn about the others. What can you tell me about the Hufflepuffs?"

"Hufflepuffs?" The Hat laughed. "Loyal, caring, down to earth... And the greatest illusion in all of the castle!"

"What?" He breathed, wonder across his face. It was like a kitten observing an aquarium. "An illusion? But all of the Hufflepuffs are exactly what you've said!"

The Sorting Hat snorted. "And more, of course. Put the hat on and I shall give you a clue. The inner affairs of the houses are always a secret from the Headmaster."

Blaise looked up just in time to catch Dumbledore leaning precariously far over the side of his desk to see the occupied corner. The old man waved merrily, shoving a handful of peppermints in his mouth. The Slytherin shuddered at the thought of candy. _Sweet candy ass._

"I daresay even our dearest Headmaster had some interesting encounters related to his House traditions." The Hat laughed as Blaise put it on his well-formed head and sat in the stool. "But it is a rule of mine that no teacher can learn the new traditions, nor interfere, though I doubt any teacher would wish to intercept events they themselves took part in. But honestly! House secrets are the best part of Hogwarts! They will be among the fondest memories in the future. Now, you wished to learn of the Hufflepuffs?"

"Yes." Blaise answered promptly. "And everything you can tell me about all of the houses."

Things he could use to his advantage.

"Well now, aren't you greedy for information!" It cackled. "I've been sorely in need of entertainment, so why don't we make a deal? I will give you a clue that shall lead you to discover an amazing tidbit and once you've finished with that, you will receive another clue!"

"Perfect!" Blaise exclaimed.

"Well then... What clue shall lead you to the inner world of the reclusive Hufflepuffs? Not so open as they seem..." The Hat mused, then laughingly shouted in Blaise's head. "THOUGH A SLYTHERIN'S CLOTHING IS EASILY SHED, ONLY A VERY LUCKY STUDENT IS INVITED TO A HUFFLEPUFF'S BED!"

Zabini froze. Dear god, if what he suspected was true... He'd spent the past few years of his post pubescent life missing out. No one ever had sex with a Hufflepuff. No one. 'Except Hufflepuffs.'

"If I guess right, do I get the next clue immediately?" He asked the Hat excitedly.

"NO! You must _experience_ Hogwarts tradition at its finest."

With a growing sense of butterflies in his stomach Blaise padded unseen to the sixth-year dormitories. No wonder the Hufflepuffs bred like rabbits! He couldn't help feeling betrayed, that all those Hufflepuffs were shagging behind everyone's backs!

Suddenly, laying in his bed stretched out like a cat, Blaise knew what he had to do. He had to rope himself a Hufflepuff. If the Hat was right, Hufflepuff House's best kept secret was... in the sack.

Breakfast the next morning saw a late Blaise Zabini striding into the great hall with a grin on his face. It was so shark-like that his housemates literally cringed in fear. Although the other houses were appropriately disturbed by the expression, it took the common knowledge possessed by Slytherin to feel the true fear of the wild.

Blaise studiously removed all expression as he sat beside Draco Malfoy, both to hide his latest conquest and be on the lookout for the blond's revenge. He began filling his plate with small bits of food, consciously avoiding the bacon. Any self-respecting Slytherin avoided bacon on Wednesdays and pumpkin juice on Fridays. It was... tradition.

"...looks like he's on the prowl." He heard from further down the table. Blaise leaned forwards to look past Goyle at a third year murmuring closely with his friends. The kid noticed the puckishly crooked smile on Blaise's face, small enough to be unnoticeable but for his in-house reputation. He instantly closed his mouth, nodding nervously at The Animal. He knew something was going on – Hell, only ten minutes in the great hall and one look at the expression informed all of Slytherin – and wanted no part of it.

"Ready for that Ancient Runes test today?" Draco asked slyly, nudging Blaise. "Everyone else seems a bit nervous about it."

He laughed. "Of course I'm ready! Wouldn't want those Ravenclaws or... Hufflepuffs... to show me up, now would I?"

"Never." Draco smirked.

They turned to watch eagerly as a Slytherin near the end of the table unthinkingly picked up a slice of bacon. Everyone had it on their plate but had yet to take a bite. Even Snape leaned forwards slightly at the faculty table, fully aware of that "tradition." Blaise idly wondered if his Head of House had ever seen anyone actually eat the Wednesday Bacon.

The second year girl, a tiny thing, noticed the whole table watching and paled. The other houses were deep in their own chaotic conversations, too busy to pay attention to the Slytherin table's suddenly bated breath. The girl dropped the bacon as if burnt and heaved a sigh of relief. What a close call.

Blaise looked away to glance at the Hufflepuff table as if sizing it up. Justin Finch-Fletchley, Hannah Abbot, Cedric Diggory... All were fair enough targets. He stared at Cedric's backside – the immensely popular seventh year was facing away from him – and realized there was an outsider he could speak to.

When he stood, casually brushing a hand across an unsuspecting Draco's back, and left the hall without eating a single bite of breakfast, Slytherin knew something was happening and hoped the destruction would fall upon someone else.


	2. Hufflepuff Part 2

Blaise managed to corner Cho Chang alone between Transfiguration and Divination. She took one look at him and arrogantly shook out her long dark hair. He assumed she must be jealous of not being the only exotic student in Hogwarts: Italian was a great way to charm himself bedmates.

"Chang." He smiled pleasantly, though it looked slightly frightening. No one paid any attention to Blaise aside from his looks, so it was odd for her to see him smiling of all things. He seemed like the kind of guy to disappear and reappear like magic – which he actually could do, thanks to careful apparation.

"What do you want, Zabini?" She scowled. "You know I don't fancy Slytherin blokes."

He clutched his chest as though wounded. "Oh how painful! You see, I was wondering something."

His head lowered, gleaming eyes surveying the girl from her own level with the harsh velvet intensity of a predator. "It might be a bit embarrassing, but how is Diggory?"

"How is he?" She asked curiously, despite her misgivings. "I don't understand. Well enough, he seems."

Blaise chuckled lowly. "I meant how _is_ he, Chang. Not how he's feeling."

Cho revealed the moment she got the question when her face heated up furiously, but the Slytherin didn't miss the flush spreading past her neck. Interesting...

"That's none of your business, Zabini!" She said angrily, walking away at top speed as though he weren't able to catch her with his cheetah-skills. He sighed and rolled his eyes. He supposed that was answer enough. And he thought girls liked talking about sex!

He made sure to give the Weasley twins a calculating look as he passed; they put their red heads together as though plotting, but glanced up at Blaise's strange smugness. They abandoned their current path in favor of walking on either side of him.

"Oy, Freddy, I didn't know Slytherins could smile."

"Right you are, Georgie, and a terrifying sight indeed!"

"One might wonder why the ickle snake's smiling, Freddy!"

"Right you are Georgie, and he's awfully pleased."

"Pleased as pie, I'd say!"

While anyone else might get a headache from the high-speed conversation, Blaise knew it was a tactic to catch him off guard. These two used their twin status to great advantage to confuse people into making blunders, but he knew the game almost as well as they. He had one great advantage though: they had no idea he was playing the game at all. The other houses only knew The Animal existed but not its identity.

He had no doubts that his life would be infinitely more tiresome if the twins caught on but he was determined to show them up before the seventh years left. He had a reputation to keep up within his own house.

"What are you on about?" He asked with a carefully composed face and raised eyebrow. He ruffled his curls to draw attention to the meticulous disarray; While the twins had their tactics, he had his own.

"Well, Zabini, you are a mighty suspicious character." George slung an arm around the Italian's shoulders, followed by his brother. Blaise would've shrugged it off, but he was more interested in laying low than freaking out. Besides that, his... hearty appetite had no issues whatsoever with physical contact.

"You wound me." He retorted whimsically.

"Right you are, Georgie. Mighty susssssspicioussssss."

He was distracted from his irritation at Fred's constant admiration for "how right" "Georgie" was by what sounded like an odd attempt to speak parseltongue. He snorted.

"I'm hardly suspicious." He sighed dramatically.

"Walking down the hall-"

"Happy as can be-"

"Staring us down! Almost like he's got a score to settle!" They leaned in to peer at Blaise as he made a disbelieving sound.

"Silly." He said. "Now unless you want to put those mouths to use in a broom cupboard, I've a Divination class to get to."

"Oooooooooh," The twins said wickedly, leaning in. "Too busy for that now, but we'll take you up on that if you're not careful!"

"Right you are, Georgie! Mayhaps his tea leaves will tell ickle Zabini the future of his _crystal ball_?"

The twins laughed maniacally and disappeared into a side alcove. Blaise peeked in after them, only to see a dead end and no Weasleys. His secret was safe, however. After that proposition the loons would be far too busy ogling his ass to worry about any _unfortunate_ incidents.

He wouldn't hurt them too bad. In fact, they would probably enjoy his genius too much to be angry at all. Observant as the eagle. Slippery as the eel. The Animal knew his game well.

Blaise entered the great hall for supper along with Draco, both wizards making comments about their Potions test of that day. Blaise was looking about the hall as he spoke, handsome face still but for his eyes. He spoke to Draco.

"I suppose even Professor Snape is accustomed to Luna if he's willing to let her wear those silly glasses."

Blaise locked eyes with the Weasley twins as he approached his seat, both redheads leaned close together and wearing threatening grins. He made sure to sigh languidly as he sat, stretching to the point of his shirt riding up, though the twins couldn't see the skin that revealed. He licked his lips pointedly.

"Ridiculous." Draco scoffed. "I could swear she spent more time staring at her arm than actually taking the- Blaise? Who on earth are you air-snogging?"

"Just setting the stage." He remarked to his friend. "This will be my year."

"What do you-oh. The first years next September will live in absolute fear of you."

Zabini tore his eyes away from the twins, who were beginning to pretend-snog in his direction, and smirked at Draco. "They already do."

The Slytherins sitting closest to them noticed the exchange with the Weasleys, curiously watching Blaise. They expected something huge from him now, some inter-house crusade from The Animal. As things were going, he didn't think he would disappoint. He made sure to wink at Pansy and Goyle with a cruel smirk before getting up to slink towards the Hufflepuff table, putting on all the charm he could muster.

It was impossible to look at a Hufflepuff anymore, he realized, without wondering a number of things. What were they hiding beneath those robes? Who was their last partner? Was Zacharias Smith as good at giving head as those lips promised? It was maddening to look at a Hufflepuff and think of nothing but sex. He absolutely had to know the truth.

Uncaring of Cho Chang's possible retaliation, Blaise slid into the space between Justin Finch-Fletchley and Cedric Diggory with a mysterious smile. He knew people liked mystery, and no one outside his house really knew him. All the better.

"Evening." He greeted smoothly, resting a propped hand against his neck to drag the collar of his shirt down. Casually, of course.

"Zabini." Cedric said, surprised. His eyes were drawn to the movement at the Italian's neck and Blaise watched, transfixed, as his throat moved to swallow. "What's a Slytherin doing at the Hufflepuff table?"

His smile widened slightly to show a small sliver of teeth, like the purposeful movements of a wolf. Like an animal. "Just curious. I heard something about Hufflepuffs that I'm... interested in confirming."

Cedric looked at Justin's lecherous grin. "I think I know what he's talking about, Cedric. Zabini, where'd you hear that? No one ever asks about a Hufflepuff."

"That's not important." Blaise's returning expression matched Justin's for its lust. "You interested in proving whether or not you can huffle my puff?"

Both wizards laughed, a sound that Blaise couldn't help finding suddenly attractive. He'd never in his life heard a Hufflepuff sound so dark. Cho was nowhere to be found, but he noticed Fred and George watching. He winked.

"It would be a pleasure." Cedric growled. "I'll get us in the prefect's bathroom tonight."

"You won't know what hit you." Justin cooed.

When Blaise woke the next morning in his own bed, everything was pleasantly sore. Even the slightest stretch gave a satisfied popping of bones, and he took a moment to just lay in his sheets and bask in the morning-after sensation of satisfaction. He would hurt like hell that day, but it was worth it.

The Sorting Hat was right. Hufflepuffs were beyond anything he'd ever experienced and he would never again be able to sneer at them or even look one in the eye without remembering the most awesome sex of his life.

Draco's head popped in through the bed hangings without care for his privacy. He'd meant to wake Blaise, but his words morphed into a teasing "Ohhh." upon seeing the Italian laying as bonelessly as a cat.

"Looks like someone had a good time." Draco laughed.

Blaise exhaled with a sigh, the noise coming out higher-pitched than he'd intended. "Oh yes. The best time of my life. We've been missing out."

Draco reeled back in shock. "Do you mean to say you and I have ignored someone who is good enough to leave you looking like this?"

He rolled into the bed, glaring imploringly at Blaise. Whatever The Animal had last night, he wanted in on.

"Draco, I think we need to change the Hufflepuff qualities to include Sex Gods."


End file.
